We all love our professors here at Milligan College. They are such a blessing to our community. However, there has been some concern with some of the professors in the communications department. They seem to be hiding something, because they all appear to have fake names.
The professor that tipped The Stampede off was the graphic design professor Art Brown. He is a graphic designer, and his first name is Art? And his last name is a color? We knew this couldn’t be right. It’s much too convenient for the graphic design professor to have a name that just happens to perfectly match up to his profession.
The Stampede knew that there had to be something up when they came to this realization. We proceeded to investigate all of the other professors in the communications department to see what we could find.
Up next was Kenny Suit, associate professor of cinema. Normal at first, but through digging we realized that, before Netflix, people used to watch movies on something called “DVDs” (that’s what he’s been bringing to class all this time!). The outside of the DVD cases are called jackets, or suit jackets. Kenny Suit—and suit jackets on DVDs? Obviously another fake name.
Dr. Carrie Swanay, professor of communications, was next on our list. There is a saying we’re sure you all have heard of: “Keep calm and carry on.” Well, through our investigation we found a note on her door saying, “Keep COMM and Carrie On” from sophomores Dalton Smith and Emma Ellis.
“I thought it was strange that Carrie had asked me to make a sign about her, emphasizing her name is Carrie, but I just went along with it anyway. Dalton Smith and I came up with an idea for the sign and then put them up around the Comm department like she asked, so everyone would see her name is Carrie,” was Ellis’ response to the sign.
Smith elaborated, “For some reason, everyone I talked to just seemed scared to talk to me about what her name was before ‘Carrie.’ So many people just seemed frightened to talk to me, and they would all dodge questions about ‘Carrie’ (if that even is her real name). I’m glad you are seeking out the truth. The world needs to know what her real name is. She wouldn’t even tell Emma and me. She just made sure that we came up with something catchy so that people would remember her as ‘Carrie.’ Honestly, I’m frightened every day that I go to Paxson that there is some deep dark secret that she is hiding. Please, if this is released, make sure that my identity stays safe. I need to protect myself from anything in case word gets out that I am the informant.”
The saddest discovery The Stampede made had to do with Professor of Communications Dr. Bruce Montgomery, or, as he’s better known, “Grandpa.” Many students call him Grandpa, and The Stampede wondered how he could have so many grandchildren. It turns out that he is actually only the grandpa of Noah Parker, Bailey Parker and Becca Fissel.
Lastly came our own Stampede advisor, Professor Jim Dahlman. Earlier in the year, he lent out some of his books to students. On the books, his name was printed “S.J. Dahlman.” After asking around, it turns out that the S is very important in his name, because his first name is actually Simon and not Jim. We did not ask for a comment, because we do not want to get fired from The Stampede.
April Fools! This article is part of The Stampede’s April Fools edition and is not meant to be taken seriously.