The mummified remains of Milligan’s founder, Josephus Hopwood, has been placed on the so-called “seven-to-seven” punishment after he was found in the basement of Hart Hall outside of open dorm hours.
Hart resident Pupil Studentson found Hopwood in a previously undiscovered room in the lowest level of Hart while searching for her missing laundry card.
“It was around 2 in the morning,” Studentson recounts, “and I found this weird door… When I looked inside, there he was, just lying there. So I called my RA and told them.”
When Hart’s RA staff arrived, Hopwood refused to leave the basement, remaining silent and immobile when asked to leave. The RA staff eventually removed Hopwood by force, lifting him and tossing him into the parking lot.
“I feel kinda bad about how rough we were,” RA Trip Powers said, “but he just refused to listen to us. He just kept lying there, acting like he couldn’t hear us. It was just too late into the night and we were too tired to be dealing with that kind of disrespect.”
Due to the severity of the infraction, Hopwood has been placed under seven-to-seven, requiring him to be in his dorm from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. When asked to comment about his punishment, Hopwood said nothing and has remained immobile in the parking lot behind Hart in protest.
Studentson, an education major, said, “It certainly seems like Mr. Hopwood has learned his lesson. Just because you’re the founder of the college doesn’t mean you’re above the rules.”
April Fools! This article is part of The Stampede’s April Fools edition and is not meant to be taken seriously.